Not the blowjob I was looking for

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(You can skip this one, mom…)

So I met this guy online and he seemed cool and we’d even hooked up once before a few months ago, and it seemed about time to try another date. So we’re all set and he’s literally on the way over, and I get out of the shower to find an email from him on my iPhone.

Oh and before I come over there’s something you should know… It’s nothing nasty, painful, or dirty…

I was kind of disappointed that it wasn’t going to be nasty, painful, or dirty, but his announcement ended up being just a little too clean for me. Like kids’ birthday party clean.

I have a balloon fetish. I know that must sound totally strange and weird but I find the act very powerful and masculine. These are just the regular round shaped ones you get at the party supply. All that I ask you to do is blow up a couple. You game?

I love that he pointed out that it’s “just the round shaped ones,” lest I thought he wanted me to blow up a clown balloon and twist it into a giraffe or something. Because THAT would be weird.

Sadly, I wasn’t game.

And I did take a moment to think it through, because I’ve done a lot crazier things for sex, but when I walked through the scene in my mind, I couldn’t get through it without laughing. I have this panel of friends who are always sitting in my head (Derek, Alex, Laura), and when I have plans that the panel in my mind would laugh at, I usually don’t go through with them. This is why I don’t do karaoke or have any piercings or date anyone under 25 (any more).

I guess I’m pretty traditional. Like talking dirty during sex — I’m sorry, but it’s ridiculous. I just want to say “What are you doing? Are you being a character? Are you acting out a little scene while we’re having sex? How is that not weird?” But then you don’t want to kill their game so you half-heartedly answer back with some kind of “Um, yeah — I do like that…” without sounding sarcastic or patronizing — which is hard enough for me in the first place.

Why couldn’t he be into something hot like wearing scrubs or a cowboy hat or a uniform? Even if it were throwing darts or jumping rope or spinning like a top, I probably could have suffered through it. But slowly blowing up a balloon was just too inherently whimsical to take seriously.

I was also positive that I was being punk’d and my friends just wanted a videotape of me blowing up a balloon to get laid so they could post it on YouTube. So I called off the date and sent my circus friend on his way.

What else ya got, Universe?

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