PaulHorne.com

You can Ring my Bell

Paul — Sat, 08 Jun 2019 04:32:49 +0000

Tonight just as I sat down for sushi, an elderly woman rang my Ring video doorbell. (Rung? Done rung? Whatever). The poor thing was lost and disoriented, and I wanted to rush home and help her but that was impossible (mostly because I had just ordered wine). So I called the police, because I figured […]

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Saying goodbye to a friend

Paul — Sun, 08 Oct 2017 21:29:00 +0000

Today, with tears in my eyes I hiked as high as the mountain would take me to say goodbye to my dear friend Terry Goldman, whom we lost suddenly last week. Terry and I were WeHo drinking buddies 20+ years ago, and we used to chat online when the “internet” meant dialing into chat rooms (I would […]

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Pretty little cream puff liar

Paul — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 09:30:09 +0000

As a part-time Airbnb host I’m now basically a full-time maid, and have become an expert at quickly cleaning and prepping both my guest rooms and the 2-bedroom unit I manage upstairs. I assumed I’d be constantly tossing out dead hookers and trying to get blood stains out of the carpet — but for the most […]

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Playgirl, Parties and Peacocks: My Friendship with Dirk Shafer

Paul — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 14:00:25 +0000

I first set eyes on Dirk Shafer in 1995, when his mockumentary, Man of the Year, hit theaters. Dirk’s 1990 appearance in Playgirl Magazine turned into a “Man of the Year” cover story in 1992, and launched a year of appearances on talk shows like Donahue, Jenny Jones, and Sally Jesse Raphael to promote his […]

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Memories may be beautiful and yet

Paul — Sat, 13 May 2017 02:31:41 +0000

While traveling with my mom years ago she asked if she could borrow my drow blyer. But she didn’t say “Can I use your drow blyer–I mean blow dryer,” she just said “Can I use your drow blyer?” and stared at me blankly. And I was lost in my thoughts. Did she mean drow blyer? […]

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How to handle a noisy neighbor (Streisand edition)

Paul — Sat, 25 Mar 2017 17:11:42 +0000

There’s 3-4 Middle Eastern guys that live directly behind me, so their balcony looks down on me (as does anyone under 30). They’re insanely loud when they talk in Arabic to each other, which is often on the balcony, even after midnight. I lie in bed at night, half seething about how disrespectful they are, […]

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I am my mother

Paul — Tue, 21 Mar 2017 21:14:46 +0000

My mom is obsessed with getting the perfect table in a restaurant. The joke was that the first sitting was just so she could have a moment to look around the restaurant and find a more ideal table before requesting to switch. Growing up we were used to this so we just let her drive […]

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I am my father

Paul — Sun, 19 Mar 2017 17:07:18 +0000

Sitting in the diner at Galpin Ford waiting for my car to be tuned up, and I’m suddenly flooded with memories of my father. Diners were his world. It’s where he’d go to brainstorm business ideas, write lyrics on napkins, and entertain waitresses. He lived to make people laugh, and most people who knew my […]

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Don’t touch me there. Or anywhere.

Paul — Wed, 15 Mar 2017 21:06:39 +0000

Being an Airbnb host is a crash course in multiculturalism, as you may be suddenly living with guests who have never been to America, seen a Western toilet, or know what a Bloomin Onion is. One guest insisted I remove the plant from her room, because she was positive the plant would “eat up all […]

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How to smile in Hollywood

Paul — Mon, 13 Mar 2017 20:17:50 +0000

My smile routine on my morning walk goes like this: see stranger in the distance assess how and whether I’m going to smile at them look down and carefully study sidewalk on stranger approach, look up and see them as if for the first time deliver seemingly spontaneous smile or a noncommittal lip-pinch The lip pinch […]

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